Oh No, Not Again!
by MisterDrBob
Summary: After the fiasco of trying to set up a new tournament in "That Smasher's Show," the Smashers are wary when Master Hand announces a new one, especially since it seems he's only gotten three people to sign on so far. What will a folksy villager, fighting robot, and health nut bring to the fray? And will Zelda figure out what Master Hand's game is?
1. An Inordinate Amount of Time Later

**Oh No, Not Again!**

Summary: After the fiasco of trying to set up a new tournament in "That Smasher's Show," the Smashers are wary when Master Hand announces a new one, especially since it seems he's only gotten three people to sign on so far. What will a folksy villager, fighting robot, and health nut bring to the fray?

Disclaimer: Characters are owned by Nintendo, Konami, SEGA, and Capcom.

* * *

Chapter 1: An Inordinate Amount of Time Later

Master Hand had done it again.

Zelda couldn't believe it. It had been years since the lawsuit from the Capcom universe. Master Hand had sworn that nothing like that would ever happen again, and life had returned to some semblance of normal. Granted, most in the mansion just seemed bored now, but Zelda counted herself lucky that for once she was being listened to.

And now, Master Hand had gone and assembled all available (and if you weren't available, you were made available) Smashers to announce that the tournament was really happening.

"So...do we have any new entrants?" Pit asked. A reasonable question.

**"You bet your bippy we do!"** Master Hand thundered. **"Matter of fact, we have three!"**

"That's it?" Samus asked incredulously. "Three new fighters?"

**"Well, so far,"** Master Hand conceded. **"They were the first three to accept the invite."**

"How many did you send out?" Zelda asked, suspiciously. "I don't remember getting one, and you usually send them to returning veterans."

**"Yeeeeeeah, about that,"** Master Hand said shiftily. **"I'm not sure just who I want back yet after the unfortunate problems of the last time we tried to set this up. And you're kind of at the top of my list."**

"The top of your list?!" Zelda shrieked. "After all I did to save your sorry glove?"

**"It's nothing personal,"** It was. **"It's just I need to reintroduce things slowly, and some people might not make it back."**

"Well then who is back?" Peach demanded.

**"Not you,"** Master Hand said. **"For now, only Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Kirby, Fox, Pikachu, Bowser, and Pit are back."**

"What, no third-party love?" Solid Snake grumbled.

"You don't even go here!" Peach complained. Somebody threw something at her for quoting _Mean Girls_ again.

"Okay, so who are these new people?" Link asked. "I want to know who I'm fighting for sure!"

**"Fair point, Link,"** Master Hand said. **"Put your hands together for the Villager!"**

The Villager stepped forward, grinning ecstatically.

"Wait, don't we know him?" Samus asked.

**"Well, he was originally a spectator,"** Master Hand said. **"He lives in Smashville."**

"You invited a spectator?!" Mario said. "I thought we didn't do that!"

"Not true!" Kirby said. "We let King Dedede in, didn't we?"

"Okay, I'm positive that the Handbook says that spectators are not allowed to join in!" Mario said.

"Yeah, it does," Kirby said. "In the first edition from 1999!"

"First edition?" This was definitely news to Mario.

"The rule was changed in 2001," Donkey Kong said, brandishing the second and third editions after grabbing them from the bookshelf nearby.

"Son of a..." Mario started. "Well, I guess he's cool then. Welcome aboard!"

The Villager remained silent but jumped up and down in excitement.

**"Let's move on, shall we?"** Master Hand said. **"Next, I know all of you have been begging for a personal trainer, so I got one!"**

"Good to meet you," the Wii Fit Trainer said. "I'm looking forward to working with you!"

"This is even weirder!" Mario complained. He was promptly blown across the room by the Trainer.

"Yeah! Another buttkicking girl!" Samus cheered as she high-fived the trainer.

**"And finally, one of the most hotly anticipated characters...Mega Man!"**

"Uh, hi, again," the Blue Bomber said as he made his entrance. He was met with stunned silence.

"Master Hand, what is this?" Zelda asked, shaking with rage.

**"He's a video game icon,"** Master Hand said patiently. **"And one of the most asked-for characters."**

"He's a Capcom character!" Zelda said. "You know the rule! Oh man, Miles Edgeworth is going to be haranguing me nonstop now!"

**"Zelda, calm down, I have it handled!"** Master Hand said. **"Mega Man is here as part of a peace offering. Capcom is willing to forgive and forget if we make sure things don't go too crazy for Mega Man here."**

"For what it's worth, I'm really excited!" Mega Man said. "I was bummed we never got to compete."

That statement won over pretty much everyone in the room. Mario was shaking the robot's hand, and they were already reminiscing about the NES days. Sonic and Snake were glad to have another third-party character, and were chatting about their chances.

But something wasn't quite right about the Blue Bomber's appearance, and it wasn't the fact that his dog was now leaving iron deposits everywhere.

In fact, there was something not right about any of this, and Zelda knew it. She was pretty sure the Villager was actually a serial killer, and that Trainer was making less sense every second she was in the room. Zelda didn't care if she wasn't in the next tournament now, she had to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

Author's Notes: Well, here we are. I never really thought I'd write Smash Bros. again after "That Smasher's Show" died, but then after all the announcements today, I decided I'd wrap it up in a new story that deals with the aftermath (or does it?). Read and Review!


	2. Village People

**Oh No, Not Again!**

Summary: After the fiasco of trying to set up a new tournament in "That Smasher's Show," the Smashers are wary when Master Hand announces a new one, especially since it seems he's only gotten three people to sign on so far. What will a folksy villager, fighting robot, and health nut bring to the fray?

Disclaimer: Characters are owned by Nintendo, Konami, SEGA, and Capcom.

* * *

Chapter 2: Village People

"You think he's a what?" Link couldn't believe what his girlfriend had said.

"I'm serious, I think he's a serial killer," Zelda said in a hushed tone.

"The Villager. The cute little guy from _Animal Crossing_?" Link said, clarifying one more time.

"Yes!"

"Okay I'll bite, what makes you think that?"

"Have you seen that smile on his face?!"

"He's a cheerful dude," Pit offered from his spot near the kitchen doorway where he was lounging. "And I hear he has a bright political career ahead of him."

"Because nobody's running against him," Zelda pointed out. "Can't you see it? They're all terrified of him!"

"Zel, I think you're just reacting to the fact that he's confirmed and you aren't," Link said. "You were just like this about Pit when the Brawl tournament was announced."

"Yeah," Pit put in. "You didn't talk to me for the first year I was here!"

"Look, it's not my fault I thought he was on a mission from heaven to annihilate us!" Zelda said. "You never know with Ganondorf around."

Link was about to reply when the Villager himself entered the kitchen.

"Hey there," Pit offered. The Villager had the same smile on his face, but waved in greeting to Pit.

"How's it going?" Link asked, trying to be friendly. The Villager made a happy pose.

"You can't talk, can you?" Zelda asked. The Villager shrugged and began rooting through the cupboards for something to eat, picking up thing after thing and quickly pocketing it.

"Wow, how deep are those pockets?" Pit asked. He got his answer as a look of dismay crossed the Villager's face. He began rummaging around his pockets and took out a leaf, unceremoniously dropped it, grabbed one more thing, and left.

"All he had to was take out a leaf?" Pit said in disbelief. He examined it before giving a yelp of surprise as he found himself under an antique sofa.

* * *

Today was a good day. On good days, Bowser and Ganondorf let the anti-heroes like Wario, King Dedede, and Wolf hang out with them. More often than not, Wario tagged along even when he wasn't wanted for lack of anything better to do. King Dedede and Wolf were less often in their company since they helped their rivals as much as they antagonized them. Sometimes Meta Knight would join in, but everyone considered him more outright heroic than anti-heroic.

But today, it was all of the above, minus Meta Knight. They were plotting. Evilly.

"You realize this only works if all of us are confirmed, right?" Ganondorf asked Bowser.

"I know, I know," the Koopa king grunted. "But come on, what are the odds that we all won't be back?"

"I hear they're making cutbacks," Wolf said. "Something about there not being enough room for all of us plus a bunch of new fighters."

"Well that's just great," Dedede grumbled. "So Bowser's the only one of us who is absolutely safe?"

"Looks that way," Wolf said. "Although I'd put money on Ganondorf being back. He's been in this thing twice already after all, and that seems to be the rule if Bowser is anything to go by."

"I think it is," Ganondorf said. "Which is good, because this evil plan only works with Marth, Falco, and Mr. Game & Watch around too."

"What about the Ice Climbers?" Dedede asked.

"Meh," Bowser said. "I never really factor them into my plans around here."

"Bowser's right, they are of no consequence," Ganondorf said. "Although they've been around long enough that they're probably guaranteed a spot. What we need to focus on now are those three newcomers. Especially that Mega Man. I hear that he gives Dr. Wily worlds of trouble."

"Right," Bowser said. "He's the one we need to worry about, but we can't get at him right away. We need to take care of someone weaker first."

"What do you think, Wario?" Ganondorf asked. Wario's reply was a fart.

"Forget him," Wolf said in disgust. "If we're going to take out anyone, it should be that puny little Villager."

All of a sudden, the lights in the room shorted out.

"Crummy electrical system," Bowser grumbled. "Anybody got a light?"

"You can breathe fire," Ganondorf reminded him.

"You want me to burn the house down?" Bowser asked, raising a bushy eyebrow. Of course, nobody could see that...

"Do you guys hear footsteps?" Dedede asked. Everyone went silent.

"Is someone there?" Wolf asked. Wario farted again.

"Everyone shut up!" Ganondorf hissed. No sooner had he said that than he let out a blood-curdling scream.

* * *

"So then I said: Do it, or I'll disembowel your dog in front of your infant! And that's how I got _EarthBound_ to be released for Wii U Virtual Console!"

"Wow Ness!" Kirby said, his eyes sparkling with admiration. "That's so cool!"

"I know," Ness said carelessly.

"You should totally try the same thing with Master Hand! He'll confirm you next for sure!"

"I plan to," Ness said. "I just need to figure out what he cares about."

"Shrimp cocktails. Trust me on this," Kirby said. Ness raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think you get how this works," the psychic boy said.

"Just try it!" Kirby said. "Look, there he is now!"

**"Ness!"** Master Hand greeted as he floated by. **"Been looking for you! Congrats on getting your game re-released! I like where you're heading m'boy!"**

"You're totally in!" Kirby said, doing his victory dance.

"C'mon, like there was any chance I wouldn't," Ness said smugly. Kirby didn't respond. "Right?" Ness asked. Still no response. Ness turned around. Kirby was gone. "Where-?" Ness started, but he was cut off by the appearance of the Villager. "Oh, it's you. Have you seen Kirby anywhere?"

The Villager only continued to grin. Ness had fought such existential terrors as alien Eldritch Abominations, living piles of puke, and hippies, but this Villager was beginning to creep him out.

"I'll take that as a no," Ness said. "I'm going to look for him. Glad we had this chat. And hey, looking forward to fighting you. I'm basically confirmed, so..."

A new glint entered the Villager's eyes. Ness' mouth dropped open as the Villager pulled out an axe and began brandishing it.

"What in?!" Ness yelped as he leaped back to avoid the blade.

The Villager had been sneaky though and Ness found himself jumping into a Pitfall.

"What gives?!" Ness shouted. "Hey! Someone help! This guy's crazy!" The Villager stopped, planted a seedling, and took out a watering can.

Ness raised his eyebrows in confusion, only for them to shoot up even further in horror as a tree sprouted in a matter of seconds. The Villager had taken out his axe again, and gave Ness a poignant look as he took out the axe again.

"No! Please, I'm begging you, I can't die now!" Ness pleaded. "Everything's finally going right! Come on dude, cut me some slack!" At that exact moment, the Pitfall wore off and Ness found himself free.

"Now that's more like it!" Ness cheered. "And now that tears it! It's against the rules, but I've got something special for you...PK ROCKIN' OMEGA!"

Psychic energy pulsed through the room, rendering any living thing in its radius in serious hurt. Except for Ness and unfortunately the Villager.

"No way!" Ness said. "That's my best move!"

The Villager continued staring. Ness could almost hear him thinking. "Then your best doesn't cut it."

"Whatever," Ness said. "I've still got plenty of tricks up my sleeve. PK Fire!"

Ness shot a bolt of fire out of his hands, but the Villager had donned a Balloon Fighter helmet and soared out of the way.

"PK Thunder!"

The electric projectile homed in after the Villager and popped both of the balloons. Ness waited underneath, readying his yo-yo. The Villager however had other ideas and beaned Ness between the eyes with a slingshot. The fight continued on like this for several minutes, neither opponent gaining much of an upper hand.

This changed when Ness tripped on a discarded banana peel and found himself looking up into the Villager's demented eyes, a bowling ball in his hands.

"Hey everyone great news! Master Hand's decided to let me back in!" Olimar shouted excitedly as he ran into the room.

The Villager's head did a creepy 180 degree turn straight out of a horror movie. Olimar's already beady eyes got even smaller.

"Oh my," the alien captain squeaked as a few Pikmin trembled.

In a flash, the Villager was on Olimar. Olimar plucked Pikmin as fast as he could, but no matter how many he took out, the Villager dispensed of them instantly. Soon, the Villager had backed Olimar against a wall.

"Don't worry Olimar! I'll save you!" Ness shouted. "PK Flash!"

This time, the attack did catch the Villager off guard. The fully charged green energy projectile exploded directly in his position, sending him careening into the air and back down to earth flat on his face.

**"What the devil is going on here?!"** Master Hand demanded. He instantly saw the Villager in a heap with the saddest look imaginable on his face. **"EXPLAIN YOURSELVES! Why are you bullying this poor newcomer?! This is not what Smash Bros. is about! Olimar, I'm ashamed of you! I brought you back because I thought you were better than this! And you, Ness! What could have possibly gotten into you?!"**

"It's not our fault!" Ness protested. "He's trying to kill us!"

"And me too!" Pit said as he limped in, having just freed himself from the sofa.

"And all of us!" Bowser grunted as he and the villains joined the throng.

"Wait, where's Kirby?!" Ness remembered. "I bet he did something with Kirby!"

**"Ness, Kirby's fine,"** Master Hand said. **"I sent him to mail a letter. What we have here is a severe misunderstanding on everybody's parts."**

"What?!" Ness said. "I don't think I misunderstand that he tried to kill me!"

**"That might be my fault,"** Master Hand said. **"I don't think our friend here gets that the matches haven't started yet."**

"You mean, he's _competing_?" Bowser said in horror. "That's what he's like on the battlefield?!"

**"You bet!"** Master Hand said happily. **"And he's got a healthy competitive streak!"**

"So," Ness began piecing it together. "When I said I was practically confirmed, he took that as a challenge?"

**"Looks that way,"** Master Hand said. **"Let that be a lesson to you Ness. Don't take your place here for granted!"**

"But I'm an original Smasher!" Ness said. "Shouldn't I assume I'm coming back?"

**"No! Because I make the rules and I break them!"** Master Hand said. **"So don't go around bragging to people that you're more likely to be back than they are. Got it?"**

"Yes, sir," Ness said.

**"Goody. Now are we all good? Villager, do you get the rules? Everybody else get that you shouldn't worry about whether you're coming back or not?"**

There was an indistinct murmur of consensus throughout the room.

**"Excellent****,"** Master Hand said. **"Now if you'll excuse me, I have some evaluations to make."**

"I'll see you later I guess," Ness said to the Villager. "Sorry about that."

The Villager's grin changed to look even more cheerful, before abruptly resuming its death glare. Ness shuddered. He would have to watch out for that guy.

* * *

Author's Notes: And here's chapter 2! I originally didn't have a release date planned for this one, but when Olimar was confirmed to return, I wanted to get it out that day, but that didn't work out, and when _EarthBound_ finally launched on Virtual Console, I decided I should try to do it that day in order to justify using the joke I'd already written about it. Of course I missed it by two hours since I was so distracted by, you know, playing the game. Oh well. Such is life. Read and review!


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